How to Live With Sherlock Bloody Holmes
by iamnemesis
Summary: A step by step guide by Dr John H Watson. Five tips every week
1. Chapter 1

How to live with Sherlock bloody Holmes

By John H Watson

1. Sherlock gets bored very easily.

I didn't know that his boredom could actually reach to the point of breaking into to Downing street, setting the table on fire " for scientific purposes", playing Marco Polo with Moriarty and stealing Mycroft's umbrella and naming it Susie...

I tried everything, I pestered Lestrade for cases only for Sherlock to name them boring, I even tried to explain the concepts of Cluedo to Sherlock, resulting in Sherlock typing a very angry email to the maker claiming that their game didn't make sense.

So I took Sherlock shopping, resulting in Sherlock ending up at Scotland Yard for vandalizing a chip and pin machine because it wasn't nice to me.

I was in for a long week...

2. Sherlock Doesn't sleep... Ever.

Sherlock had been awake for three days straight, His eyes kept drooping but they refused to close.

I ended up drugging his tea, the worst idea ever.

Sherlock sipped his tea cautiously only for him to spit the hot beverage directly into my face. Too shocked to move, Sherlock then proceeded to tip the whole cup down my shirt before storming out the kitchen to torture the violin... again.

Result:

I didn't get to sleep either.

3. Sherlock liked to " experiment".

Every disaster in the flat which included:

a burning table

a missing front door

My collection of jumpers severely depleted

A missing bed (my Bed)

A melted radiator

And multiple body parts in milk bottles

were all because Sherlock likes to "experiment"

And we must never EVER interfere.

4. When living with Sherlock you must also deal with Mycroft.

Sherlock was once again bored, yippedy doo.

I could hear shouting, oh bloody hell, The queen (apparently) had arrived.

I just sat on the couch ignoring Sherlock and Mycroft whilst they deduced each other with the usual " how's the diet?" comment thrown in there.

Eventually I had enough

" WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP!" I yelled

Sherlock was taken aback and Mycroft appearance was apologetic.

Hell, even the umbrella looked apologetic.

He said sorry and swiftly turned around and left Baker Street.

Sherlock looked thankful but before he could open his big mouth I interrupted

"No no no no, don't you think your getting away with this either, go to your room and think about what you said!"I told him

I watched him trudge off when I realized I really was dealing with a child.

5. He almost never eats.

It had been a long week, Sherlock was stuck on case he was determined to finish so naturally he wasn't eating.

I had begged him to eat, put food in front of him only to throw it away untouched so I turned to my last resort.

I dragged him away from staring out the window and sat him down at the kitchen table.

I heated up some tomato soup and sat on his lap so he couldn't get up. I scooped up some soup with a spoon and held to his mouth, he refused to open his mouth.

" Oh god Sherlock do I have to say the words..."

His mouth stayed closed,

" fine... Here comes the choo choo train!" I said in a sing song voice

" oh no we've hit an obstruction!"

" John wh-"

before he could carry on I shoved the spoon into his mouth

"and we're in the tunnel!"

Unfortunately Lestrade had dropped in for another drugs bust and his whole team were staring at us in shock...

Great...


	2. Chapter 2

6. When living with Sherlock you can never have any sort of romantic relationship.

Examples:

Jeanette:

"BORING! I mean come on john ... have you seen her, still attached to her ex boyfriend, quite clearly using you to make him jealous. Lied about her age, quite clearly 43 not 39 as she would have you believe..."

" Have fun with your boyfriend John" She screamed and stormed out the flat.

"SHERLOCK!"

Grace:

" Grace this is my flat mate Sherlock, Sherlock this is Grace"

" _Hello _Sherlock" She said in a seductive voice. I stared at her with a shocked expression, Was she flirting with Sherlock?

" leave, I don't like people so what makes you think I'll Like you?" he spat at her , smirking as she spluttered before storming out.

"SHERLOCK!"

Alice:

" She's cheating on you John" He said.

" What?" I exclaimed

" WELL YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME WITH _HIM!_" she screeched

" I'M NOT GAY!" I shouted back at her

She left but not before smashing a plant pot ( soaked in bleach as another experiment)

" NOO my plant pot!" Sherlock said before storming to his room and slamming the door.

I Just blinked

What the hell just happened?

7. He can't cook to save his life.

I was reading by the fireplace in a cozy Jumper ( one of the ones I have left ) when I heard multiple crashes and colourful swear words.

He jumped up and ran into the kitchen before promptly bursting out laughing, there covered head to toe in flour and sugar and scowling at a recipe book.

he brushed past him, the scowl permanently fixed on his face and muttering;

" Happy Birthday John" I just laughed ( NOT GIGGLED ) harder.

8. He WILL use your laptop

so I walked in the other day rduihggggnvjdfghj

I don't know why John is writing this but I need to look up a certain type of acid so Ta-Ta!

9. He WILL steal things from you.

8 was a prime example of that but here is a list of other things he has stolen from me;

Jumpers

Jam

Tea

Laptops

Money

Privacy

A social life

10. you will have to drop everything to chase criminals with him.

It doesn't matter where you are or what time it is he will drag you along to chase a criminal even if you are still in your pajamas ( which isn't very threatening when you are trying to intimidate them ) so if you value your Job make sure Sherlock and your employer get along, but unfortunately mine doesn't.


	3. Chapter 3

11. Sherlock is VERY childish.

" Johhnnn give it bacck!" He whined

" NO Sherlock, you are not melting bullets with hydrochloric acid!" I said firmly, he would NOT win this time!

" Butt Jooohnn I'm borredd. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

* sigh *

" NO!" I said and went downstairs asking Mrs. Hudson to make sure Sherlock didn't steal it back.

" Fine, be like that" he grumbled before dramatically throwing himself on the couch and curling up in a ball.

" Oh come on don't sulk!"

...

" Sherlock!"

...

" Do you want any tea?"

...

" OH FOR GODS SAKE!"

...

" Silent treatment, really Sherlock, how childish can you get?"

My questioned was answered with a pillow thrown at my face.

" Oh, It's on!"

_One hour later_

" Sorry Mrs. Hudson" I said

" Won't happen again" Sherlock added

"Sorry for fighting with pillows" I said again

" We realize our actions" Sherlock lied

" We will clean it up we promise" I appeased her

" WAIT WHAT!" Sherlock shouted in disbelief

_"Sherlock" _I warned

" We'll clean it up." Sherlock grumbled

I ended up cleaning it up.

12. Don't trust Sherlock on his own.

I left Sherlock alone for the weekend whilst I was at a medical conference.

Never have I regretted anything more.

I arrived back wanting nothing more than a cozy jumper, a nice cup of tea and some jam on toast.

But noooooooo.

The walls were almost nonexistent, experiments covered every single bloody surface.

" SHERLOCK!"

"ah hello John, can I have some tea?"

And with that line the famous Watson rage showed

Never had Sherlock regretted anything more

13. Drugs busts.

" Even this place is contaminated!"

" What like your brain?"

" No like crime scenes!"

"Crime scenes? You must not be a good forensic expert if you contaminate crime scenes then."

" YOU contaminate them!"

" Me? I'm not the forensic expert"

" Exactly!"

" Yes exactly, you are failing at your job if you can't prevent the person who solve YOUR crimes from entering."

" You don't solve the crimes!"

"Oh really, who's the murderer then?"

" umm"

" That's what I thought."

I just left them to bickering, it's never good to interrupt Sherlock insulting Anderson.

14. Never let Sherlock go for a TV interview.

" So Mr. Holmes, why do you solve crimes, especially involving murder?"

" Murders are fun"

* cue face palm *

" Oh... erm well, why do you help the police?"

" They're idiots"

* cue holding back Lestrade *

" why do you do your own cases?"

" Because there aren't enough murders"

* sigh *

" this is wasting my time, come on john we've got a murderer to catch!"

* cue hauling myself out of my chair and running after the idiot.*

15. He can't make tea.

We have gone through 21 kettles, 20 bloody 1 !

When he first tried to make tea he put the tea bags in the kettle, resulting in victim number one.

other times he forgot he put experiments in the kettles, resulting in boiled toes. EW.

The boiled toes still make me shudder.

He has blown up about five and gave one to his homeless network because he didn't have any money on him, but he did have a kettle!

WHY GOD WHY?

Because every time a kettle dies, John Watson dies a little bit too.


	4. Chapter 4

16. NEVER offend the bees.

" Seriously Sherlock it was just a bee." I said watching my sulking flat mate curled up on the sofa, all of this just because I squished a bee.

" Just a bee" he said and gave a almost sadistic chuckle " It is not JUST a bee!" he shouted and I flinched when he jumped up and loomed over me.

I spent the next four hours completely zoned out occasionally hearing Sherlock go;

" And the queen bee..."

" HONEY!"

" Buzz Buzz"

17. Suits, lots and lots of suits.

I can confidently say that I have never seen Sherlock wear casual clothes.

Except that one time he wore a sheet to Buckingham Palace, but that doesn't really count.

But he goes everywhere in a suit;

Crime scenes.

The living room.

Mrs. Hudson's.

To bed.

The morgue.

A bee farm.

In the bloody shower ( Long story; in summary I thought he was at his beloved morgue)

A swimming pool ( let's just say that in 'the great game' so named on my blog, we didn't leave straight away because Sherlock wanted to go for a swim.)

18. EVERYTHING WRONG ABOUT JOHN! - SH

He doesn't listen, EVER. _Sherlock get off my bloody computer!_

He never makes me tea. _that's a lie and you know it!_

He blames everything on ME of all people. _Everything IS your fault..._

LIESS ALL LIES! CONSPIRACYY

apologies I did say Sherlock stole my things.

19. he puts on this really whiny voice and calls me Jawn when he wants something.

Examples:

" Jawnn I want tea"

" But murderrr Jawn"

" JAWNN!"

20. Sherlock support group.

The Sherlock support group consists of me and Lestrade, at a pub, every Friday night.

" Sooo er I found a head in the fridge yesterday..."

" Ohh god, he destroyed the forensic department and left a note saying, Its all useless anyway."

" I need a beer"

" I need something stronger, he's got onto pickling eyeballs."

Lestrade rushed to the bathroom and promptly vomited and it wasn't because of the alcohol.


	5. Chapter 5

21. Sherlock wears rollers/curlers.

I laughed for around a hour when I walked in on him.

I had pushed open his door saying " Hey Sherlock, these kidnapp-" I stopped in my tracks.

There sat up, eyes wide was Sherlock Holmes, the self proclaimed sociopath, with pink and yellow curlers in his hair.

I blinked. Once. Twice. maybe three times.

And I burst out laughing.

" JOHN stop, it's not funny! John..." he shouted

"oh it is" I laughed ( NOT GIGGLED)

But then he threw such a temper tantrum, stomping about and promptly ignoring me I ended up apologizing and always promising to knock on the door.

22. Sherlock is afraid of spiders

_John...-SH_

What Sherlock? -JW

_Come home...now -SH_

_HLEP MEEE-SH_

There's a spider in the bathroom again, isn't there?-JW

_Yes-SH_

I'll be home in 5 - JW

23. Sherlock can play a really good woman... really

Ok I'm all sure you want to know how I know...

I-I-I

"_oh just get it out john "_

_" SHUT-UP Sherlock" _

I bloody FLIRTED with him okay! happy now?

It all started like this:

I saw a woman, long dark hair, pale complexion, ruby red lips and striking pale blue eyes.

I was instantly attracted.

I walked over to her and instantly put my hand out saying "Hi, John Watson"

I gave her the sexiest look I could muster

She turned around in the stool and struck out a perfectly manicured hand. (Red nail varnish and everything)

" Ah John, want to catch a murderer" she replied in a deep baritone voice.

My eyes widened.

" Sh- She-Sherlock!" I stammered my cheeks flaming bright red.

He smirked in reply before brushing past me and kicking a criminal in the balls with a black stiletto heel.

24. he stole my JAM!

* sniff * today I lost one of the most important things in my life ( the other being tea )

I lost my Tesco finest raspberry jam.

IN AN EXPERIMENT!

The jam was always there for me and the fact it was so cruelly ripped away from me was teapot breaking.

At least it will be at peace now along with all my precious jumpers.

* tears streaming down face *

I will miss you so so so much jam!

I should have told you how much I loved you

But I was stupid... so so stupid

goodbye Tesco's finest raspberry jam

but don't worry, I will _ALWAYS_ replace you.

25. The curlers aren't the end of it

Sherlock owns:

foundation

curlers

hair extensions

mascara

lipstick

eye shadow

nail varnish

nail varnish remover

blusher

bronzer

eye liner

fake breasts

bras

panties

a thong (shudder)

stilettos

tights

dresses

fake nails

a handbag

face cream

perfume

and a lot more.


End file.
